1.12.16

NaNoWriMo 2016 is over


So, this year's nano is over, thank god. I did it, though I am not proud of myself. I don't even have scraps of notes - I just banged on the keyboard to reach the goal, which in retrospect was a mistake. Never again. This was my last NaNoWriMo. Obviously, maybe next year I will get back to this happy writing without regrets and with lots of enthusiasm, but judging by how my days go on, I doubt it. I really doubt that it will get any better in the next year. So yeah, it was my last NaNo, officially, and I won it, though I also lost it in a way. 

Fortunately, I'm in a better frame of mind than two, three months ago, so there's a chance I will continue on writing. Maybe I will slow down and finally pay attention to what I'm doing. Maybe something will come out of it. Though now that I think about it, my depression lasts over a year now, so I'm not sure I can be that optimistic. Let's assume for now that I can and that I will write something decent, unlike the last twelve months. Let's hope, or I'm sliding down a hill.

I don't have much to say about the nano-text itself, because that's a barrel of shit and there's nothing to salvage. I rename it to SHIT and forget about it forever. On the plus side, I will never write anything so horrible intentionally. By accident, maybe. Because I'm just not good, probably. But not intentionally. Uh, the Zombie Foxes seem like a literary Nobel candidate in comparison...

Anyway. I am really grateful it's over and if I decide to take part in the event next year, please someone point me back to this post and ask me whether I really REALLY want to go through it again. Because seriously, the text is an abomination, I got more depressed because of going out to see people (sorry, that's a fact) than it made me any good, and in general - I didn't enjoy any of the aspects this year. Nothing. Apparently, the magic of nano is now lost on me. All good things must come to an end, apparently.

25.10.16

NaNoWriMo 2016

So, apparently I'm writing NaNo this year. But hey, who wouldn't with such graphics:


Awesome.

I'm not writing space sci-fi per se this month, but a sci-fi nonetheless. A kind of fanfiction for the Defiance game, to be exact. Their setting, their world history, their races, but my events. I've got a few characters and scraps of their stories, and I will be trying to make something out of those scraps. I don't actually care what it turns out like. I just want to have fun. If I end up writing a script for a gameplay - oh well.

My awesome description of the project:
"Mam Kite, której jeszcze do końca nie znam, ale poznam. Wiem już, że nie lubi ludzi i kobiet, co będzie mi trochę mnożyć kłopoty później, bo będzie dość bezczelnie i ograniczenie wpływać na jej decyzje. Mam Gem, która się wjebie w kłopoty, bo zainfekuje ją obce A.I. Mam Micha Wawmę, Castithana, który bardzo chce zostać burmistrzem Sycamore; mam Shannę Jakąśtam, człowieka, która bardzo chce zostać burmistrzem Sycamore; mam Jakiegośtam Grooma, który był burmistrzem Sycamore, ale go ktoś zaciukał. Mam szeryfa, który bardzo chce rozwiązać tą sprawę morderstwa, a do tego chce utrzymać porządek w Sycamore, które jest zamieszkane przez ludzi, Irathientów, Castithan, Indogenów, Liberatę i kilku przedstawicieli tej ostatniej rasy na S... Sosoth? Nie pamiętam. O! Sensoth! W każdym bądź razie misz masz, a w grze i filmie pokazane już było, że wrzucanie ich wszystkich do jednego wora to słaby pomysł. Do tego wszystkiego mam jeszcze tego kolesia podążającego śladem Kite (który na domiar złego jest liderem małej grupki zbuntowanych Dark Matter - DM byli elitarną armią Votan, potem wszystko się jebło, koniec końców to "ci źli", których się zabija na pęczki) oraz problem rodziny Micha Wawmy - jego synalek i żonka bardzo chcą Micha zabić, by synalek mógł zająć jego miejsce w rodzinie (znaczy, w hierarchii rodziny - Castithanie żyją w klanach). Piznę, jeśli poproszą o pomoc Kite, bo przez jakiś czas Kite będzie pracować dla Micha. Jeśli po prośbie przyjdzie żonka, to Kite się nie zgodzi (bo Kite nie gada z babami), ale jeśli synalek, i to z dobrą gotówką, to pewnie pójdzie na to. Chociaż z drugiej strony, Kite nie jest typem mordercy. Hmmm..."

No, seriously, I like this description so much! Like - so much! Damn! The best way to describe this project.

As for research, I play the game (duh). Everyone around is like "oh god, so many notes, so many things to check, where's my mind, this is crazy, notes in my cereal", and I'm like "ah, yisss, an evening with beer and game, my favourite". So yeah.

Everything will be stupid, but I really like the idea. So, November - I'm (almost) ready!

1.8.16

CampNaNoWriMo July 2016 - actually won

So I did exactly 30,024 words this month. And it is a true victory, since it was a horrible month. I had a little breakdown at the beginning, when it turned out that I cannot write the story I planned for and for which I had so many notes prepared. Simply, when the timer went off and the event started, I went brain-dead and couldn't write more than 1k a day, in truly child-birthing pains. I abandoned the project after three days and started something new, which made me happy for about two days. Then it went to hell as well. So I started something completely stupid, I was mad at myself for writing it, even though I could let go a little and the text is full of my crude, vulgar humour. It's a real shame, though, and I should burn my netbook to exorcise it. Finally, when I lost all hope and was ready to give up on writing at all, I had the best idea to ask Siem for a writing prompt. She gave me one and I did 10k+ words of a not-bad-at-all text. Thank you, Siem. You're my hero.

Why this month was horrible? I've been in a real bad mental state for the last half a year. A lot is happening in my life (well, to another person it's probably still a dull life, but I hate changes, so whatever is going on around me, I barely can stand it and I take it real bad), I'm completely off-balance, and cannot find the peace of my mind. There are issues I need to think about, and I really don't want to think about them. I'm not having "real problems" (idk, depression, disease, death, etc.), but my problems are my own, and what's worse, they're in my head, so I'm having a bad time because of them. There are things I'm not used to and when the issues come up, I don't know what to do. So, right now, I'm totaly lost and in search of someone who'd deal with the problems for me. ANYWAY, there's nothing I can't do if I really want, right? So I'm climbing up the rollercoaster tracks again, trying to keep the negative thoughts at a distance. Welp. That's it for an excuse. Long story short, I hated myself for the past half a year for various reasons, so it must have had an effect on my writing. But it's better now, and the proof is my newest short story.

It doesn't have a title, though I'm tempted to name it "Radler". For reasons. It wouldn't make much sense, though. But I'm still tempted. It's a first person narrative, told from a perspective of a hitman. But truly, I need to stop giving my characters attributes that I don't know nothing about. Really, a hitman. As if I know how this business works. But hey, that's my story, and this hitman is on a holiday with his partner, and they're having fun sunbathing and fishing! There's absolutly nothing going on there, just the guy telling what he had for breakfast. I'm super proud of this boring piece of shit, because I did the narration the way I wanted it.

And to be honest, I'm really proud of myself for completing the event at all, taking my low spirits into consideration. Even at the worse days I sat down to write at least 1k, 900 words, 700 words. Anything. I'm not saying everything's fine now. I'm still having moments of doubt, but I can wave them away for now. I'm not saying I'm at my best with writing either. Hell, I'm not even at my average, and I'm seriously considering opting out at NaNo this year. Writing with a timer doesn't work for me now. The stress is not motivating - more like debilitating. It's no longer fun for me, and I don't believe in the magic of the event. So for everyone's sake, including me, I'm probably not doing NaNo this year, though we will see how it really turns out. It's still three months away, right?

So, anyway. This is my last week at work, starting Friday after 15:00 I have holidays. I'm going to visit friends and roam around Cracow. It's gonna be awesome :)

7.7.16

CampNaNoWriMo July 2016 - update

Yup, the first week is behind us. Just seven days. And I've already managed to change my project! Yay!

So, it went like this: first I took tons of notes on the characters and the setting, and the most important points of the plot, then I took some break, waiting for July (which was a mistake, now that I think about it), THEN came July and I flipped. I barely squeezed out 2k words of completely nothing. In those two thousand words I managed to start over the story two times, and change the narrator once. That was the clear sign that something's not right. And when on Sunday I sat down and couldn't write a single word for the whole day - well, I don't need any more hints. I dumped the project, because fuck it. I'm deep in shit anyway. I don't need to strengthen up my crisis. I've been stuck at the stage "I am shit" of the creative process for the past six months or better. Now I hang over the Chasm of Never Writing Again, at the tips of my fingers. Of just one hand. One mistake and I stop writing for ever.

So what I'm doing now? I'm writing something. Like - SOMETHING. I don't even care what it is as long as it writes itself. It's not ideal, since it still takes a lot of time, and it's boring as hell, and it was supposed to be a horror, but it's not, and whats not, but I DON'T CARE. I write and I don't give a shit about the outcome. I love it just because I don't have to pretend that I write well, because right now I don't, so it's either this shit or I flip the table and stomp away from the desk, and never get back again. I'm still wondering whether it's a writing block (haha), or I'm just lazy, but I start to believe that it's the writing block, since I actually stopped playing games and sit my ass at the desk, and I still can't write anything. Well, maybe except for this text.

The text is about an old woman who's apparently a witch, and she lives alone in a farm, in the place where weather is awful. In the first chapter, a demon comes by, but she chases it away. Then there are some kids, and now there is another kid. I'm still wondering what I'm doing, but I'm having fun nonetheless. I even came up with a bit of a structure for this text. So - progress. I'm not dissolving into a whining puddle of mess, but I try to keep my head above the water. Still kicking and fighting.

That's it for an update. And yes, my writing right now is just as messy and uninteresting as this post.

27.6.16

CampNaNoWriMo July 2016 - Dark in the light

Another Camp is coming. I was a bit excited about it two weeks ago, but not so now. I have a project, it has a name, I have the characters, but I lack a plot. I mean, I have a few points, quite important points, like milestones, but I have no idea how to get from point A to B. I hope I figure something out, because otherwise I'll start questioning myself as a writer. Right now I'm not sure whether I have some kind of crisis or I'm just so epic-ly lazy. I really hope for the latter.

Anyway. I'm not straining myself this month - I set the goal for 30k. I'll see if I have to raise it. This month won't be a piece of cake - at work, they are moving us to another floor, and I'll be in a room with two other persons, one of which I shared the room for the past two years, so that's ok, but the other is new, and I just don't think that I can write my stories when she's in the room. You know, doing private stuff in the working hours and all. So I won't be able to write at work, which leaves only writing at home, and there I have four hours between coming back from work and going to sleep, and in those four hours I have to do a bunch of things, too. I know, that's how the life looks life - squeezing in the few minutes to write in a day. Too bad my concentration is easily broken and I can't write the way they advise - a few minutes here, a few minutes there... Not to mention - I'm not carrying my laptop everywhere with me. Anyway, forget "when should I write". It's more like "what should I write".

As I mentioned, I've got the characters. This will be an attempt at a superhero story, martys style. So, basically, I could actually write it without superpowers. Which leaves the question - why even bother then. Well, to give it a kick, I guess. And because I want to write about superpowers. So, my characters will be actually struggling with the notion of a hero - what is a hero, who can be a hero, what do you need to become a hero, does the fact that you have powers immediately puts you in the spectrum of "superhero - supervillain", etc. I'll have superheroes with a streak of darkness, and a self-righteous villain-y guy. I think I'll have neither any crystal-clear chars nor pitch-black chars, but that's not the point. I like to stroll in the area of grey. I'd call this opo "All shades of grey", had there not be the Grey series, which give the color grey a whole new meaning.

So that's it. It's going to be a rollercoaster - with all the chars and no plot. OR MAYBE I'll just dump this idea and write something else? Time will show.


25.4.16

CampNaNoWriMo April 2016 - fail

So, officially I give up on this month's Camp. Writing in German was the worst idea I've ever had for writing. This just cannot be done. One - because I have to write by hand, and I don't really like writing by hand. Two - I just spend too much time checking things in dictionaries. So I give up. It was an interesting experience that taught me that I can't write in German just yet. Maybe some other time.

So, what now? I'm planning to write something just for me, in English, because I surely miss writing in English. The last time I wrote an English text was in November, during NaNo. That's a long time ago... I want to do some stupid piece about superheroes or something. For example, about a superhero with really useless powers, like, I don't know... She can boil water with her mind. Wait, that's actually pretty useful - helps in the kitchen. Hmm... I'll think about something like that. I need a casual text with no goal. Something I don't have to put too much mind into, like my corpo romance, minus the corpo and the romance. Though if I modified Danka's story a bit, and introduced some powers, and maybe stopped focusing on her relation with Adam... Hmmm... I could do a stupid piece out of it.

Anyway. I'm not doing anything right now, because I don't feel like it.

2.4.16

CampNaNoWriMo 2016

Camp beginnt. Ich habe gesagt, dass ich in Deutsch schreiben will, also ich wird in Deutsch dieses Monat schreiben. Mein Deutsch ist sehr schlecht, trotzdem ich vor sechs Jahren es gelernt habe. Sechs oder acht. Keine Annung. Ein Paar Satze sind sehr schweirig fur mich. Und ich habe keine umlauts an der Tastatur. Also ich handschreibe.

Und jetz gehe ich zur Deutschkurs. Mehr Deutsch zu lernen.

I imagine I should stop thinking in English when writing in German.